


Haven

by Aryagraceling



Series: Catharsis [21]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anxiety, Body Worship, Domestic, Feelings Realization, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Masturbation, Sharing a Bed, Touch-Starved, slight praise kink
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-11-21 09:46:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18140606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aryagraceling/pseuds/Aryagraceling
Summary: “I was laying there and all I could think of was how disappointed you would be if I didn’t say goodbye,” Kakashi said. He trained his gaze on the ceiling as Iruka’s head snapped toward him. “I didn’t realize I had a reason to come back until then.”





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [decaf_kitty](https://archiveofourown.org/users/decaf_kitty/gifts).



> Thank you for bringing us all quality content, Decaf, and thanks for being you ❤
> 
> Mood music: [I Found](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PbSZhGONRBg) by Amber Run, one of my ultimate KakaIru songs.

Taking a sword to the back was nothing new. Having his uniform shredded and his skin lacerated was nothing but usual in the line of duty, and Kakashi bore it with a gritted jaw and low growl. He walked into a clinic for stitches with a weariness in his bones far greater than what there should be, because Kakashi hadn’t thought of himself in the moments he was closest to oblivion.

He’d thought of another, and wasn’t taking it well.

Dark eyes with even darker hair invaded his thoughts as the nurse stitched and tutted over him for getting in such an accident. “Playing ninja,” she chided when she looked at his stolen civilian clothes. “That’ll get you killed one day. Be careful.”

Kakashi wondered if anyone had ever told Iruka the same thing. Had they looked at him and asked what he thought he was doing? Did those who stop at the mission desk ever pause to question him about his worth? If he was ever going to shoot for more than paper-pushing? He could. He could be so much more but that soul bore peace where Kakashi’s bore blood, and Kakashi didn’t want to see Iruka’s light dimmed. 

Two days passed until he was able to reach Konoha. Kotetsu greeted him at the gate and he reported directly to Hiruzen with news that yes, there  _ was  _ to be an attempt on his life. “They’re gone now,” he concluded. “It’s all right.”

“Is it?” Hiruzen asked, eyes searching Kakashi’s hidden face the best they could before he sighed and nodded to dismiss him. “You may go, Kakashi, thank you.”

Kakashi was almost…  _ upset  _ he didn’t need to report to the mission desk.  _ Friends,  _ he’d insisted when Genma prodded.  _ He’s probably still pissed about me yelling at him in front of everyone, so maybe not even that.  _

Iruka still sent the occasional lingering glance his way, though, and those were enough to force Kakashi to consider that perhaps there  _ was  _ more, that the teacher saw something in him other than Konoha’s favorite bastard. The nights at the bar might mean something more than casually trying to forget. The walks to nowhere could be to  _ somewhere  _ rather than just getting lost on the road of life. 

Perhaps Iruka wanted to get lost on Kakashi’s road.

A cold breeze cut through him as he walked to the hospital, intent on getting patched up the rest of the way before going home to bed and another night of solitude. The doctors here tutted at him too and he waved them off in favor of staring out the window into the courtyard below. Would Iruka click his tongue as well? Order him to sit and stay still as he looked over skin pale enough to blind? 

Maybe he’d just tell him off for being stupid, careless.

By the time they released him, darkness had fallen. The wind hadn’t abated and as the moon shone down, Kakashi found himself less and less willing to go back to the four walls that he called home. He let himself drift aimlessly from the hospital through the market, then past the hokage tower once more before sandaled feet landed him directly in front of Iruka’s door. Staring, he reached out to brush his fingers over the dark grain of the wood as distant footsteps sounded. 

He didn’t get the chance to gather the courage to knock before the door was yanked open and he was nearly bowled over by a chunin on a mission. “Sorry,” Iruka mumbled, shoving past before freezing and slowly turning around. It was almost comical, the way shock, fear, and happiness played over his face all at the same time.

“Hello, sensei,” Kakashi said softly. “Going somewhere?”

“You’re here.” Tension bled from Iruka’s shoulders as he rested a hand on Kakashi’s shoulder and let out a shuddering laugh. “I, uh, heard through the grapevine you got hurt. Are you?”

Kakashi hesitated a split second before nodding. “It’s nothing that I haven’t had before, though,” he said in a rush when Iruka’s brow furrowed in concern. “Went to a hospital on the way and they also did some work here when I got back. I--” he bit his lip and looked down at the ground-- “Am I interrupting something?”

“I was coming to find you, actually,” Iruka said. He moved back toward the door and opened it a few inches, trying to catch Kakashi’s eye. “Is everything okay, Kakashi?”

“Would you be upset if I died?” The words were barely a whisper, almost blown away on the breeze before Iruka heard them. But the breeze picked up one second too late, and Iruka stiffened before pulling Kakashi into the apartment. 

“Would I--” Iruka huffed, took a deep breath, and tried again, softer. “Would I be upset if you died?”

Kakashi nodded, still unable to meet his eyes.

“Of course I’d be upset,” Iruka said. His hand flashed forward as if to grab Kakashi’s before pausing at the way Kakashi tensed. “I’m sorry,” he said, running it through his hair instead. “You’re probably tired and hurting and still...on edge.” With a sigh, he toed off his shoes and unzipped his sweatshirt. “Is there a reason you’re asking me that? Are you feeling like I wouldn’t?”

“I didn’t know,” Kakashi said, attempting to feign nonchalance and failing miserably as the memory of cold steel seeped back. “I was lost...on the, uh...road…”

Iruka shook his head and gestured towards Kakashi’s shoes before turning and walking to the kitchen. “You can cut that out,” he said amidst clinking cups. “You may have been lost, but I don’t think it was like our walks.”

_ Our  _ walks. 

Kakashi shed his sandals as he tried to piece together why exactly he’d ended up here. It wasn’t unusual for he and Iruka to get together after a mission, but he hadn’t been seriously hurt in a long time and Iruka had never run out to greet him. Hadn’t ever reached for his hand without thinking. 

“Come here.” Iruka beckoned Kakashi over from where he was standing behind the wall with a crooked finger pressed to masked lips. “I want you to do something with me.”

“Oh?”

Iruka’s lips twitched up in a smile when Kakashi took a few hesitant steps into the kitchen. “I want to make tea with you.” 

“Domestic,” Kakashi said, pushing the chair back in when Iruka shook his head again. “I can’t sit?”

“I said…” Iruka turned around and held out a hand, curling his fingers in a wordless invitation for Kakashi to take it. When he hesitated, Iruka simply dropped his arm and cocked his head. “I want you to make tea. With me. Together, Kakashi.”

“Oh.” 

“You look like you need a distraction from whatever’s going on up here--” Iruka tapped the side of his head before cautiously reaching to mimic on Kakashi-- “and focus on something out here.” 

Kakashi shivered imperceptibly as Iruka’s fingers brushed down over his shoulder and down his arm, lingering on the outside of his palm before turning away. It had been too long since anyone touched him like that. With  _ intent. _ Strong hands at the hospital did nothing more than tend his wounds and cut him loose, and being groped by faceless strangers in crowded bars was more repellant than kind. “Focus…”

“Don’t tell me I need to lecture you on what that means like a pre-genin,” Iruka teased, and Kakashi flushed. “Feel the heat, smell the leaves.” He set his hand next to Kakashi’s on the counter and leaned over to press his forehead into Kakashi’s shoulder. “Get lost with  _ me, _ instead of all by yourself. Please.”

It was the small waver in the  _ please  _ that got him. Kakashi inched his pinky toward Iruka’s and did not miss the way the teacher reached for him again. They stood in silence for what was probably longer than necessary, Kakashi’s eye shut against the rest of the world as he focused on the way Iruka’s warmth surrounded him. It wasn’t just body heat, no. Iruka’s presence should’ve been stifling, but instead it was soothing. 

It was serenity, and Kakashi understood.

“You,” he breathed, eye still shut as he moved to rest his cheek on the crown of Iruka’s head. “You’ve been waiting.”

“There it is,” Iruka said quietly. He nodded at Kakashi’s aborted whine before pulling back to look at him. Their fingers were still pressed together and Kakashi wanted a little more,  _ needed  _ it. “I would be  _ crushed  _ if you died, Kakashi. I don’t know what happened, but please don’t.” He slid his hand over Kakashi’s. “Please.”

“How long?” Kakashi asked.

Iruka squeezed his hand before breaking away to pull out water for the pot. “It began somewhere around the time you first gave me a half-burned report,” he said with a fond smile. “Maybe a little over a year ago. I was so  _ done  _ with you that day, came out of my shift and went to find you to give you a piece of my mind. Do you know what I saw?”

Kakashi shook his head as Iruka put the pot on, watching his every move.

“You were trying to get a stray dog to follow you home,” Iruka continued. “I watched you for damn near twenty minutes. You tried everything, and it was just content to sit in the street.” He laughed once, then sobered. “Suddenly the report didn’t matter so much, you know? You were more than...more than the Copy-Nin. You were a little less cool and a lot more human.”

“She still hangs out in that spot,” Kakashi said. Hesitantly, he reached to brush a stray strand of hair off of  Iruka’s cheek and let his eye linger on the pink that dusted behind his touch. “Not even the ninken can convince her.” He pulled back and tucked his hands in his pockets, unsure of exactly what Iruka was looking for. “You were coming to look for me because you were worried.”

“I was. I still am.”

“I was laying there and all I could think of was how disappointed you would be if I didn’t say goodbye,” Kakashi said. He trained his gaze on the ceiling as Iruka’s head snapped toward him. “I didn’t realize I had a reason to come back until then.”

Silence reigned in the minutes before the kettle began to make its noises, and Kakashi wondered if he should have kept silent, if he’d misread the situation. He began to fidget, shuffling from foot to foot before taking his hands out of his pockets and pushing off of the counter. The chance to disappear and forget the whole thing was stolen when he raised his fingers to seal and Iruka grabbed a hand to pull it to his chest. 

“Don’t go,” he whispered. The cry of the kettle cut through the kitchen, and Kakashi found himself taking in a shuddering breath as Iruka brought his fingers to his lips. “I want to be your reason,” he continued, breath washing warm over Kakashi’s skin. “I want that.”

“Me,” Kakashi said.

“You.” Iruka let him go to turn off the stove, pressing into his side as he warmed the cups. “I have...cared for you...for a long time now.” He paused, and Kakashi felt the unspoken  _ loved.  _ “I didn’t know if you felt the same way but that wasn’t going to stop me.” Breaking away, he rummaged for a spoon and the tea to measure it. “You’re worth it.”

Kakashi waited until Iruka set the timer before tentatively reaching for his hand again. Their fingers tangled and he pulled Iruka to his side. “It’s been a long time since anyone’s told me that,” he said softly. “A very long time.”

“How long?”

“Rin.”

“You’re worth it,” Iruka said again, hushed as he pressed his cheek to Kakashi’s arm. The silence was intimate this time, Kakashi mulling over the revelation as Iruka stood steadfast.  _ Worth it.  _ Useful, sure, though cast aside to drown when he became too much. Iruka’s thumb brushed over his knuckles and he leaned into the teacher, disabusing himself of the notion Iruka was lying.

He’d never proven himself deceptive.

Both started when the timer went off, breaking apart and leaving Kakashi to immediately mourn the loss as Iruka poured. This time he directed Kakashi to the table and set a cup in front of him. “You,” he said, drawing out the word, “let me in bit by bit this year. All of those hours we spent together and somehow you didn’t hear that in every time I asked you to stay just a little longer. I’m sorry.”

Kakashi let the warmth travel through his hands before lifting the cup to his face, allowing the steam to wash over him. He hadn’t considered what exactly to do when faced with drinking. Try through the mask? Take it off? Make Iruka turn ar--

“I’ve seen what you look like,” Iruka said, looking away. “From your records. But I won’t look, I promise.” His foot tapped Kakashi’s before he swiveled his head away. “For what it’s worth I think you’re incredibly attractive.”

“That’s not why I wear it,” Kakashi whispered into the water. The table swam as his hand shook. “Everything else is too much. Too loud.” The wound on his back pulled as he set the cup down before he spilled, resting his hands near his chest. “It’s quiet here, though, with you. Wherever you are.” He heard Iruka suck in a breath when his fingers began to creep up toward the fabric. “Maybe I don’t need it.”

“Do you  _ want _ it?”

Kakashi stilled. Did he really? So long behind a scrap of fabric, hiding himself from things that would hurt him. Years of nothing… “Yeah,” he said, dropping the fingers back to his lap. It wasn’t quite time. “Can I...you...I would like to drink.”

Iruka turned fully around and took his cup with. “You’re welcome to spend as long as you’d like here,” he said. “I know what it’s like to come home to an empty place after an injury like that. You don’t have to go through that alone.”

“Is that you asking me to spend the night, sensei?” Kakashi pulled the fabric down and took a sip as Iruka shook his head.

“That’s me offering whatever you need tonight,” Iruka asked, and Kakashi didn’t miss the implication. The teacher’s ponytail swayed as he drank, then set his cup aside and hugged himself. “After Mizuki put the shuriken in my back I spent a lot of nights soothing myself through the nightmares. You came to me for a reason.”

“I needed to know,” Kakashi said.

“And now you do.”

Kakashi tugged the mask back up and pulled his chair next to Iruka’s to bump their knees together. “I can stay?” he asked.

Iruka nodded, smiling gently over at him as his hand sought Kakashi’s again. “I can sleep on the floor or couch or whatever,” he said. “You don’t have to be alone.”

“And if I wanted you to sleep next to me?” Kakashi held his breath as Iruka’s eyes widened, his throat working hard under the pressure of the teacher’s gaze. Had he asked too much? “You don’t have to…”

“Stop,” Iruka said softly. “Don’t do that. I admit I’ve wanted you for a long time now and you think I’d give up the chance to hold you?” He took a drink and leaned closer into Kakashi, resting his head on Kakashi’s shoulder. “If you want me to sleep next to you, I will  _ gladly  _ do so.”

Kakashi would be vulnerable. Skin on skin meant feeling things he hadn’t felt forever but for Iruka, he would allow it. The Copy-Nin would crawl between the covers and lay with someone who cared and for the first time in years, he would be happy about it. 

He’d be held.

Iruka turned away when Kakashi reached for his cup again. “Would you like me to make the bed for you?” he asked. “I have extra blankets. They always help me after a mission, more weight on me.”

Kakashi nodded and took a long draught before realizing Iruka wasn’t looking. “Weight is good,” he said. “Warmth.”

“All right.” Iruka got up, fingers lingering on Kakashi’s shoulder before he disappeared down the hallway. Kakashi drank quickly, the sounds of Iruka moving quieting his racing thoughts as he replayed the way Iruka’s pulse felt moving over his shoulder, the way his thumb smoothed over the fabric of his gloves. It felt  _ good.  _ Like he was valuable.

“I’m coming back in,” Iruka warned after several minutes, and Kakashi scrambled to lift his mask before he knocked on the wall to signify his return. “It’s late,” he continued. “I don’t know if you want to watch a movie or something, or just go to bed…”

“Bed is fine,” Kakashi said. The weariness began to weigh on him again as Iruka took the cups and washed them, each movement purposeful under Kakashi’s eyes. His forearms dug into the table as he leaned over to rest his forehead on the wood, body aching with injury and words left unspoken over so much time. He whined softly, faintly as the cupboard shut and Iruka came to stand behind him. “Can you touch me again?”

“Where are you hurt?” Iruka asked.

“Right shoulder,” Kakashi said. “It’s fine, just don’t press too hard.” He slumped forward as warm hands fell to his back to ground him, fingers dragging along the lines of his flak jacket before Iruka asked him to take it off.

“We could go on the couch too,” he said. “More comfortable.”

Kakashi stood abruptly, turning around and narrowly missing Iruka’s foot with the chair as he pushed it in. “Bed,” he said quickly, screwing his eyes shut when the shame at the neediness in his voice set in. “We could go to bed.” He wanted the closeness. He wanted hands on him that weren’t searching for something he didn’t want to give to people who  _ took.  _

But Iruka wasn’t taking.

He was just...waiting. “Kakashi?”

“Please,” Kakashi whispered. He stepped forward and fitted himself into Iruka’s waiting arms, burying his face into the teacher’s neck as arms came around his waist. His hands brushed the edges of the wide scar on Iruka’s back and in the quiet, both shivered at the reminder of mortality. “Please, Iruka.”

“Come on, then,” Iruka said. He pulled Kakashi with him as he walked down the hallway, steps light as Kakashi followed. Smiling, cajoling, fingers almost  _ teasing  _ in Kakashi’s in the split second before he reached behind him to open the door. “I wasn’t exactly expecting company, so it’s a little messy.”

“‘S okay,” Kakashi mumbled. Really, the walls could’ve been crumbling around them and he wouldn’t have cared. A pile of clothes on the chair in the corner was nothing in the wake of his want to be...Iruka’s.

“Do you want pajamas?” Iruka asked after a few anxiety-laden breaths. No malice. No hurry. No  _ insistence,  _ and when Iruka turned around to rummage through his dresser, Kakashi made the decision to trust. “I have some extras. They might be a little big for you, but we can make it w--oh, fuck, I’m...shit, sorry.” He dropped the fabric in his hands in favor of pressing his palms over his eyes when he turned around. “I didn’t realize you’d taken it off.”

Kakashi’s fingers shook as he circled them around Iruka’s wrists and tugged his hands down. “I did it on purpose,” he said. “Is that...okay?”

“It’s perfect,” Iruka breathed. He didn’t move, only let his eyes flick over Kakashi’s skin as Kakashi drew closer. “Good, Kakashi…”

“I’m good,” Kakashi said. His nose brushed over Iruka’s cheek when he leaned in to hug him again. The world stilled at the moment of contact, and Iruka turned to nuzzle against his hair as they held each other. “Yes.”

“Yes,” Iruka agreed.

Kakashi kept his head buried as he worked the zipper on his vest down almost frantically, shrugging it to the floor and wincing when his shoulder protested. “I came home for  _ you, _ Iruka, how did I not realize that earlier? Why didn’t you push?”

“Because I’m not everyone else.” Iruka slid a careful hand up Kakashi’s arm to cup the back of his neck, angling himself to rest his lips against Kakashi’s temple. “I’ve been forced and I’m not going to put anyone else through that,” he whispered. “Especially not someone who’s been through so much already.” Kakashi’s breath came quicker as Iruka hesitated before letting his lips drift lower toward Kakashi’s ear. “Not someone I love.”

Kakashi didn’t know what he’d been missing until those four words sank in and Iruka very purposely kissed his cheek before pulling back to look into his eye. “M-me,” he said, swallowing hard.

“Mhm.”

“Say it again,” Kakashi said. His voice cracked but neither acknowledged it as Iruka repeated himself, fingers threading with Kakashi’s in the dark. “You really mean it.” 

“I do.”

“Fuck.” Kakashi untangled their hands and cupped Iruka’s cheeks to draw their faces together. There was a split second of absolute silence, a vacuum surrounding them as they both took in a shocked inhale when Kakashi flipped up his hitai-ate and opened both eyes. Kakashi took in every detail--three small chunks of hair falling out of Iruka’s ponytail, chakra barely controlled and pulsing with each heartbeat, pupils dilated…

Iruka took the distraction to lean forward and press their lips together. He remained there, still, until Kakashi sighed his name and deepened the kiss. “Kakashi,” he said, fingers tangling in Kakashi’s hair before moving down, feeling everywhere Kakashi would allow before finally settling with his arms wrapped around Kakashi’s shoulders. “Oh,” he sighed when Kakashi worked his ponytail loose. “Good, yeah.”

When they parted, both held the other’s face as their foreheads rested together. “I have been a weapon for so long,” Kakashi whimpered, “and where others see a weapon, you see a person. You see  _ me.”  _

“And you’re beautiful,” Iruka said with a quiet smile. “And you’re here with me, which means the goddamn world.”

Kakashi simply kissed him again. Slowly, gently, so tender it nearly hurt. He took a step back toward the bed and Iruka followed, looming over him when Kakashi sat. “I want to feel you,” Kakashi said as he scooted back. “See you.”

“How much?”

“Just this for tonight,” Kakashi said. He reached to touch the hem of Iruka’s shirt and chewed his lip as Iruka tugged it off to bare his skin to the moonlight seeping through the blinds. “Maybe later we can, um--”

“I’d like that,” Iruka said. He reached back for the pajamas he’d dropped and tossed a pair over to Kakashi. “These should fit you. I’ll go to the bathroom and change, okay?”

Kakashi nodded at the floor, looking out of the corner of his eye as Iruka slipped out the door. He turned the plaid fabric over in his hands before stripping, carefully folding his mask on the bedside table in case he changed his mind sometime during the night. Better safe than sorry, even in a place that felt safer than his own apartment. He was in bed by the time Iruka knocked and came in, huddled under the blankets with a pillow in his arms. “Hold me,” he whispered when the bed dipped with Iruka’s added weight. “Like you won’t let me go.”

“Not a chance now,” Iruka said. He rested an arm over Kakashi’s stomach and slipped a knee between Kakashi’s, feet sliding together as they settled. His hand rubbed over Kakashi’s chest to pull him back against him, mindful of the healing wound as he leaned to kiss just below Kakashi’s ear. “I will be here in the morning and every one after, if that’s what you need,” he murmured. “If that’s what you want.”

Kakashi nodded and held his hand closer, nearly crushing it. “I think it’s both,” he said softly. “Can we work with both?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what did you think? Feedback is _always_ appreciated and encouraged, be it via kudos/comments/bookmarks or through any of my social media below.
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	2. Chapter 2

Iruka didn’t know if he’d ever fallen asleep as quickly as Kakashi did. At first he considered it might be training, being able to drop off as soon as you snapped your fingers. Then he considered it could be post-mission exhaustion catching up, coursing through Kakashi’s body and turning it to lead in his arms. Then again maybe it was neither, and Kakashi was just  _ comfortable.  _

His hair spread out over Iruka’s pillow in a fan of grey, mingling with brown in the prettiest picture Iruka had ever seen. Tan on white enthralled him as he looked down on his arm over Kakashi’s stomach, the way his hand spread over the jonin’s chest. He felt each heartbeat, listened to every breath in the silence of his room. Even when Kakashi’s fingers slipped from his he kept his palm to Kakashi’s skin, sleep eluding him as he memorized every possible detail he could in the moonlight.

He began at the small scar just below the curve of Kakashi’s jaw. Careful not to jostle the other man, he peered at the mark. It looked old, faded and worn like some of the bigger scars on Kakashi’s arms. Hidden away for so many years, under a mask and behind so many walls… He slid a hand up to brush a knuckle over the skin before nuzzling into Kakashi’s neck. 

It was smooth there, where silver met porcelain. Iruka’s free hand carded through Kakashi’s hair as he simply took a deep breath. The scent was uniquely Kakashi’s--clean, like the air before the rain came. Rumor had it he smelled like blood, death, but what good were rumors here? What good were the lies of others in a place where Kakashi had bared his truth?

Iruka’s breath shuddered on the exhale, and Kakashi gave a small shiver before moving closer against him. So many months of watching him fall and pick himself up again and now here he was, pliant under hands that promised to cherish. 

_ Mine. _

Eventually Kakashi relaxed completely, slumping forward onto his stomach and leaving one leg tangled with Iruka’s as he sprawled. Iruka looked to the newly puckered skin of his shoulder when it was bared. The stitch marks would fade, as would the angry pink of healing flesh, but what would remain was another reminder of how he’d nearly lost the man he loved. His fingers traced along the edges, remembering the  _ one _ time Kakashi had done this for him.

It was shortly after Mizuki’s traitorous intentions had been revealed and he’d nearly died. The hospital had done an excellent job and his friends were just as good, showing up day after day to help care for him when he was released. The nights were different, of course, but round-the-clock care wasn’t often feasible in these sorts of situations.

He’d been walking down the street with Naruto when out of the corner of his eye, he’d seen an older woman trip. Instinct dictated he throw an arm out to help, and that had been his undoing. Too far, too fast, and too quick to stop himself. He’d fallen along with her, crashed to his knees in the middle of Konoha with pain ripping through his back and a cry tearing from his lips. It was embarrassing at the best of times, but when Kakashi’s arms had encircled him to pull him up he’d nearly lost it.

The thought that it would take pain to get Kakashi’s hands on him…

Instead, the jonin had taken him home and offered to look at the injury. Even in summer his fingers had been icy, their chill sinking into Iruka’s bones as they probed the knotted flesh. Iruka had buried his face in his hands to hide the tears threatening to spill at the kindness in the gesture. When Kakashi pronounced him well enough-- _ though don’t go doing too much work,  _ he’d said--and left, that’s when they’d actually fallen.

They weren’t the first tears he’d shed for him and they likely wouldn’t be the last. Kakashi, the last person in Konoha Iruka expected to be laying next to him and irritating him with grinding teeth. Iruka put a warm palm on his jaw and hummed, attempting to soothe whatever horrors Kakashi was suffering. “Shh,” he whispered. “‘S okay here.”

“Mmn…” Kakashi stiffened and then rolled, nudging toward Iruka’s neck as his hands came to rest under his chin. He didn’t speak, didn’t open his eyes, but the way his fingers unfurled to brush over Iruka’s jaw was anything but accidental. After a few seconds he relaxed again, and Iruka shut his eyes to sink into Kakashi’s warmth.

He didn’t mean to fall asleep.

He also didn’t expect to wake to an empty bed. The first thing he registered was cool air on his chest, the blankets cast near his feet. His hand splayed next to him in a fruitless attempt to find a hand, a leg,  _ anything  _ to mean Kakashi hadn’t just  _ left. _ There wasn’t even the chance for a proper stretch before he bolted upright panicking, chest heaving as he swung his legs off the bed and ran to the door. “Kakashi? Fuck, where’d you go? Tell me you didn’t--” he slumped against the wall in relief as the jonin came into view-- “leave. Oh, thank  _ god,”  _ he breathed. “You’re here.”

Kakashi looked guiltily over from where he was rummaging through the cabinets, eye wide as he quickly swallowed what looked to be part of a spare ration bar. “You looked peaceful,” Kakashi mumbled. “I didn’t know if I should wake you up, but I was hungry…”

“As you should be,” Iruka said. He crossed his arms and walked over to move Kakashi out of the way, rifling through what little he actually kept stocked. Mostly tea, some rations, odds and ends that didn’t particularly add up to anything satisfying. “I should’ve prepared better, I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t know I was coming.  _ I  _ didn’t even know I was coming.” Kakashi pulled Iruka’s hand down and turned him to the table with a gentle push before picking up the rest of the bar. “These are fine.”

“Yeah, b--”

“I wanted to be by you, not your food,” Kakashi said.” He sat next to Iruka, tentatively tangling their feet as he chewed. “I, um, don’t really have anything to say for myself. For showing up at your door in the middle of the night.”

Iruka smiled. “I don’t need an explanation, Kakashi. I’m just glad you finally figured it out.”

“Did I disrupt your routine too bad? I know it’s important, having...normal. Normal is good, normal is--”

“Stop,” Iruka said softly. He put a finger to Kakashi’s lips and sighed at Kakashi’s puzzled look. “I didn’t start loving you because you’re normal. You’re  _ not  _ routine. You are  _ different.”  _ His hand slipped away, falling to rest over Kakashi’s on the table as Kakashi’s brow furrowed. “I haven’t kept on because you’re just another person to pick up.”

Kakashi’s cheeks turned crimson as he looked away. “You aren’t either.”

“I’m not talking about me.” 

Kakashi nodded and took another bite, folding the wrapper until it couldn’t fold anymore. Iruka took it from him and replaced it with a hand, allowing Kakashi to trace the veins and scars over and over until he was ready to meet Iruka’s eyes again. “I’m still a little tired,” he said. “But I can go home…”

“Please stay,” Iruka said. After all was said and done and Kakashi  _ did  _ go back home, he didn’t know if he’d come back. The chance he’d realize that Iruka wasn’t... _ much _ , wasn’t someone particularly skilled or wildly talented like he was...the anxiety clawed at his throat.

Normal was for Iruka, glory was for Kakashi.

“Yes, sensei,” Kakashi said with a slight smile. “I’m really not interrupting?”

“Maybe interrupting my plans to come get you for a walk later,” Iruka said. He got up to toss the wrapper and Kakashi followed, arms circling around him from behind to pull him close. “Yes?”

“I don’t want this to go away,” Kakashi whispered, fingers curling on Iruka’s stomach as he pressed his forehead down onto Iruka’s shoulder. He made a disgruntled noise when Iruka turned, then a happier one when he hugged back. “I had a dream you were gone in the morning.”

“It’s my apartment, Kakashi,” Iruka said. “Why would I be gone?”

“Because I don’t get to keep nice things.” Kakashi’s voice was filled with something Iruka couldn’t quite put his finger on, but made him want to take on everything that had ever hurt the other man. There was a finality there that was  _ painful.  _ “So maybe I can stay here a little longer.”

“As long as it takes for you to realize,” Iruka murmured. “I’ll be here.”

Kakashi’s breath hitched at the words. “Can you sleep with me again? Lay with me, at least? My nightmares weren’t as bad last night.” 

“Do you mind if I bring some grading along?”

Kakashi shook his head.

“Then gladly,” Iruka said. He let Kakashi go, watching him pad down the hall to the bathroom before turning to gather the papers he’d put off last night. Naruto had come barging in insisting he come to the hospital, that Kakashi-sensei was injured. He’d dashed off before Iruka got the chance to put a jacket on and then…

_ Well, history,  _ he thought to himself as he settled into bed. Kakashi slunk in a few seconds later to crawl over his legs and lay beside him, back against the wall. “You can just ignore me,” he said as he pulled the blankets over his face. “‘M gonna sleep.”

“I’m not doing that,” Iruka said. He brushed his fingers through Kakashi’s hair again, combing out the tangles as best he could as the lump next to him relaxed. Kakashi’s breathing evened until Iruka wasn’t actually sure he  _ was  _ taking in oxygen, and Iruka kept a careful vigil over him until he was certain everything was all right. 

Grading had never been so boring. 

Around noon, Iruka got up to actually caffeinate and eat. Kakashi remained asleep, going so far as to begin snoring softly. He was relaxed,  _ peaceful _ as sunlight mellowed the hollows of his collarbones, and Iruka stole more than a few glances between sips and the scratch of pen over paper. “You’re fascinating, you know,” he whispered. “A little mysterious…” Kakashi groaned and moved closer to the hand brushing over his shoulder, and Iruka grinned. “Elegant, charming in your own way.”

“Iruka…” Kakashi sighed softly, half-reaching for him with curled fingers. “Ruuu--”

“What’s wrong, Kakashi?”

“Wanna--” He moved abruptly, nearly upsetting Iruka’s papers as he grabbed his arm and held it to his chest, rubbing his cheek against it as he settled. “Should put those down.”

“Is that you saying you’re awake now?”

A noncommittal grunt was his only answer. 

“You’re just going to hold me?”

“Mhmm.” Kakashi slid his hand down to catch Iruka’s fingers before cracking his eye. 

Iruka untangled himself and set the papers on the floor, sinking down to let Kakashi rest his head on his chest. The scar didn’t seem nearly as bad today as it had last night. “Feeling any better?”

For all his grace when he walked Konoha’s streets, Kakashi was anything  _ but  _ in the minutes between sleep and waking. He felt up over Iruka’s shoulder and neck to his face, weakly tugging it over to nudge into his cheek. “Not so tired,” he mumbled. “Should get stuff--” he yawned before drawing his knees up to wrap around Iruka-- “mm, done.”

“Do you want to do things?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi snickered and nodded before stiffening, pulling back to look at Iruka with a panicked eye. “I didn’t mean--”

“I’m not a child,” Iruka said with a smile, “and I’m sure it’s not the first time either of us has thought it.”

“Yeah, but I shouldn’t,” Kakashi whispered into Iruka’s chest. “Need to be careful.”

“Careful?”

“I need to make the right decisions so you don’t make me leave.”

“What makes you think I would do that?” Iruka asked quietly, fingers tightening over the tattoo on Kakashi’s shoulder. He turned his head to Kakashi’s, resting his chin on the cloud of silver as Kakashi shivered anxiously. “In fact, I was thinking about maybe not letting you leave, hmm? Making you stay here until you’re feeling all right?”

“I don’t want to overstay,” Kakashi said.

“I want you, Kakashi. Can you trust me when I say that?” Iruka kissed Kakashi’s forehead. “Do I have to make Naruto come in and yell ‘believe it’ at you?”

“I will not hesitate to send him through the window,” Kakashi said. When Iruka laughed he did so as well, nervous at first before he grew comfortable once again. The air between them became quiet, hushed as his gaze flickered up to Iruka’s. “Last night, I...needed you.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t think it was just last night.”

“No,” Iruka agreed. 

Kakashi stretched and rolled over, dragging Iruka’s arm with him to keep him close. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize it.”

“Well, you’re not exactly known for being in touch with things,” Iruka said. He let Kakashi hold his hand to the light and watched the jonin marvel at fingers better suited to writing than weapons. There were a lot of things he could say. He could tell Kakashi how he shouldn’t be enraptured because he wasn’t special enough. He could tell him how much he wanted to do this for him instead, try to get the attention off of him.

Instead, he allowed Kakashi time.

“I’m starting to be,” Kakashi mumbled eventually. 

Iruka’s breath caught in his throat when Kakashi brought his fingers to his lips, kissing each tip before holding it to his heart. “Are you?”

“I--” Kakashi rolled back over and stared down at the space between them as he took his lip between his teeth-- “You’ve waited for a long time. I can’t pretend to know why or how but I know you’re important to me and I know...I  _ think  _ you wouldn’t do that for just anyone.”

“I wouldn’t.”

Kakashi sighed and moved closer, brushing his lips over Iruka’s before nosing into his neck. “Thank you,” he whispered. His hand slid up Iruka’s side to land on his back and spread out, directly over the scar. “For everything.”

“You’re always welcome,” Iruka said softly. 

“I like the way you get red when you’re embarrassed,” Kakashi said. He trailed his mouth down to Iruka’s collarbone as Iruka felt his flush deepen, then back up to kiss just below his jaw. “Sometimes you get like this when we walk.”  
Iruka nodded, determined not to let the small whine building in his chest out. “You bring it out in me.”

“I make you feel embarrassed?”

“Put under the, uh--” Iruka licked his lips, desperately trying to work any bit of moisture back into his mouth as Kakashi’s breath washed over his chest-- “um, spotlight. A little n-nervous.”

Kakashi sighed as he propped himself up on an elbow, tracing Iruka’s side with a single finger. “Why nervous?”

_ Fuck.  _ Iruka’s eyes slipped shut as the finger dipped just below his waist and he was thankful for the blanket over his hips as Kakashi settled for the same pattern, up and down, up and down. “You don’t want to overstay,” he said, forcing his gaze to Kakashi’s. “I don’t want to push, ask for too much.”

“You haven’t asked me for anything,” Kakashi said softly.

“You weren’t ready.”

Kakashi’s finger paused, lingering idly just above Iruka’s hip. “And now?”

“I want a kiss,” Iruka said. He mimicked Kakashi and rested a hand on his side, still as Kakashi leaned closer. “I want…” Trailing off at the rawness in Kakashi’s eye, he steeled himself to bare  _ his  _ truth. “Us.”

It was the right thing to say. 

“Us,” Kakashi repeated, breathless before he caught Iruka’s bottom lip between his. “This, us, you and me.”

Iruka nodded.

“What else?”

His control, balancing on a razor’s edge, snapped when Kakashi’s hand dropped to rest on his lower stomach. “You,” he said, voice cracking. The fingers worming their way closer to the tie of his pants paused, and he pushed his hips closer. “Don’t stop, Kakashi.”

“I want to learn you,” Kakashi said. The warm touch retreated, and Iruka chased after  _ anything  _ to satisfy the urge overcoming him as Kakashi kissed him. “I want to  _ know  _ you. I’ve been...blind.”

“You’ve been so stuck in duty,” Iruka sighed. He worked his hair out from where Kakashi had settled onto it and laid back with both hands tucked behind his head, waiting. Watching. Wanting. “You’ve been a soldier, not a--”

“Lover,” they said at the same time, and Kakashi shook his head with a small scoff.

“Blind,” he repeated, not giving Iruka the chance to refute. “Caught up in everything that didn’t fucking matter.”

“Don’t,” Iruka murmured. He grabbed Kakashi’s hand and brought it to his face, pressing soft kisses to the palm as Kakashi worked himself down from wherever he’d wound himself to. Anxious huffs faded to slow, steady breathing, and Iruka let Kakashi begin to explore.

He began at Iruka’s forehead, nuzzling into his hair as Iruka remained still. Strands slid between his fingers, dancing in the sunlight and whispering over Kakashi’s skin in the quietest symphony Iruka had ever heard. “I like this,” Kakashi breathed. “Sometimes when you get excited and wander ahead I just watch it sway. I’m not lost, I’m looking.” He kissed Iruka’s brow. “I was waiting.”

“Mmm.” Iruka didn’t trust himself to speak, and Kakashi didn’t seem to mind. 

His chest brushed over Iruka’s as he slid onto his hips, planting an elbow above each of Iruka’s shoulders. “Do you think of me when you touch yourself?”

“Hnnn--” Iruka whined. He was torn between covering his face and where his pants were beginning to tent obscenely under Kakashi’s hips. There wasn’t even a hint of humor in the question, just honest curiosity, and so he picked  _ neither.  _ “Yes, sometimes,” he said, squirming and looking away when Kakashi opened the Sharingan. “Why?”

“How often?”

_ Pinned,  _ that’s how Iruka felt. “God, fuck--once? Twice a week?”

“You’re uncomfortable,” Kakashi said, dropping his forehead to rest on the pillow beside him. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to remember. I’m sorry.”

“Do...you?” Iruka asked.

Kakashi nodded and took a deep, steadying breath before pulling back to peer down. “Not very often, but I have. I don’t often have time. Or energy.”

“Too busy on the road,” Iruka mused. He lifted a hand to brush the hair from Kakashi’s forehead, smoothing it back to reveal every possible inch. Kakashi nodded again, and Iruka smiled as he pushed his cheek into the hand. Perhaps he’d earned more habits from the ninken than he let on over the years. “Would you like to show me how?”

“How to--” Kakashi’s brow knit as a hand curled by his groin. “You just said--”

“How  _ you  _ do it.” Iruka took that hand and cupped it softly around Kakashi’s cock hanging heavily against his. “I want to learn you just as much as you want to learn me, you know.”

“Together?”

Iruka shuffled so he was leaned against the headboard before looping his arms around Kakashi’s waist and feeling along the strong lines of his lower back. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said, bending to give Kakashi’s neck a small nip and whisper in his ear. “There are few things I want more in the world than to lay you down and make you forget your name, but I want to do that after I take you out properly and you aren’t exhausted and recovering. For right now I just want you comfortable sharing with me, okay?”

“Okay,” Kakashi said shakily. He paused, stilling completely for several seconds before slowly letting his hand drop to rest in their laps. “Sometimes...I think about you watching me. I would take off my mask and you’d say my name in that little hushed way you do sometimes, like when you asked me if I was okay.”

“Is that something you want? Me speaking to you?” Iruka gently ran his nails up and down Kakashi’s back as the jonin confirmed. “How?”

Kakashi’s pulse sped at the question, and he pushed the hand into his pants. Iruka groaned at the way his knuckles brushed over his cock, desperate to be rid of the barrier between them and  _ finally  _ see Kakashi in the way he’d dreamed, but he waited as Kakashi spoke. “Tell me...why you want me. How come you haven’t left?”

“Oh, gods, Kakashi,” Iruka whispered, pulling back to look into his eye. “Lay down for me.” Kakashi did, and Iruka pushed the comforter back before tugging experimentally on Kakashi’s pajamas. The jonin helped kick them off with a soft groan as he was freed. “I have so many fucking reasons.”

Kakashi was  _ ethereal. _ With one hand tucked behind his head and the other resting lightly on his stomach, he let his legs fall to the side after what seemed to be a brief deliberation. “Okay, I’m laying down.” He tucked a finger between his teeth and bit, looking to the side as Iruka simply  _ stared.  _ “Y-you can say something. Anything, really.”

“You’re beautiful,” Iruka breathed. “Just...stunning.” He pushed his pants down and took hold of himself as Kakashi smiled into the pillow. Iruka’s blush might make  _ him _ happy but seeing one on Kakashi made something shift in Iruka, something he didn’t think he’d been missing. 

_ Hope. _

“Sometimes I imagined what you’d look like spread under me like this, but this...you…” Iruka’s eyes slipped shut in a slow blink as his grip tightened. “You are so much more than I could’ve imagined.” Light flooded over Kakashi’s scars, turning his skin nearly translucent, and Iruka watched his hand contract. “Can I touch you?”

“Please.” Kakashi’s throat worked as Iruka’s free hand joined his, a low whine seeping from him. “I like it a little harder, though.”

“Like this?” Iruka asked, and Kakashi writhed as he tightened his fingers. “You like it when I touch you like that? Like I always--” he bent down to press his lips to Kakashi’s sternum before looking up at him-- “wanted to?” His hand twisted, drawing Kakashi’s up and down in one fluid stroke as they sighed in unison. “You like letting me love you.”

“I do, yeah,” Kakashi mumbled. His body shook when Iruka closed his lips around a nipple, tugging softly before tracing the line of a scar that ran from collarbone to ribs. As Iruka probed, Kakashi tangled a hand in his hair and held him close. “You’re careful,” he said. “You’re waiting for something?”

“For you to tell me if it’s too much,” Iruka said. “I don’t want you hurting here.”

“I started this. I want you to finish it.” Kakashi pushed his hips up into Iruka’s hand, wordlessly begging. Iruka didn’t know what he’d do if Kakashi  _ actually  _ began begging, but movement was enough in the silence. “I’m yours.”

“Mine,” Iruka said. He let Kakashi’s cock go only for Kakashi to begin touching himself again, staring defiantly up before his head fell to the side with a soft moan. “That’s it, Kakashi, show me how.” 

As in all things Kakashi was careful, every movement precise and practiced. The blush traveled down his neck and into his chest and stomach as he let the carefully cultivated facade of  _ distance  _ slip away completely. The Sharingan would’ve come in useful to remember every stroke, Iruka thought, and he found himself slowly matching Kakashi’s rhythm as he spoke praise over the jonin. From the way Kakashi handled his burdens with care to how he was doing so well under Iruka’s words, he praised. For each broken whimper and bitten off whine he gave another kiss, urging Kakashi higher and higher until the jonin disregarded all sense of propriety and let himself go.

“Good,” Iruka said, panting hard into Kakashi’s neck as Kakashi tensed and came across their hands. “Good, Kakashi, yes,  _ yes--”  _ His jaw dropped, nerves singing and body tightening as heat curled in his stomach before his release painted Kakashi’s chest. “Yes,” he whispered. “God, I love you.”

He didn’t expect Kakashi to hurriedly repeat it, neither did he expect the hard shove to the side and Kakashi running out of the room. The air soured as the trance broke and the tap turned on in the bathroom. Worry coursed through his veins, acidic in its vigor. Had it been too much? Was this the time he’d pushed too far? Was it going to be as he feared, pain paired with every bit of pleasure?

His eyes shot to the door when Kakashi came back into sight, a hand over his face as he tossed a cloth over. “I want my mask.”

“Kakashi, I didn’t me--”

“Mask,” Kakashi said, panic obvious as he held the other hand out.

“Here.” Iruka held it out and shut his eyes as Kakashi skittered over and snatched it. The cloth was cool as he cleaned himself, holding back a frustrated sigh when Kakashi sat next to him. “You...seemed like you were okay. I thought…” He trailed off, unsure of exactly how to phrase it.

_ I thought you were enjoying yourself. _

“I was fine,” Kakashi whispered. “That was good. It was just a lot.” He leaned to rest his head on Iruka’s shoulder, hair tickling Iruka’s chin as Kakashi sought out his hand. “The world’s too much right now. I--you--” he cut off with an irritated grunt, and Iruka hesitantly kissed the crown of his head. “World’s too much,” he repeated softly.

Iruka brought a hand to feel over his wound before laying behind him and holding his arm open. “You need quiet,” he said.

Kakashi nodded.

“Do you need some space, too?”

Kakashi shook his head and twisted to lay with him, masked nose pressed to his arm. “Time,” he said. “Need to collect my thoughts.” He wrapped himself in the blanket again, Iruka silent as he played with the ends of silver hair until Kakashi was ready to speak again. It was a tentative, uneasy peace, and both looked to each other at the same time. “I meant it,” Kakashi said slowly. “That I love you, I think. I haven’t before. Anyone. Loved anyone.”

“You didn’t need to say it, you know,” Iruka said. “I still feel the same regardless.”

“Can I take it back and try again?” Kakashi asked.

“Sure, Kakashi.”

Exploratory fingers slid across his chest as Kakashi nuzzled against him and twined their legs. “You’re good to me,” Kakashi said. “Patient. Kind.”

“Yes.”

“I love...that.”

Iruka’s lips twitched up at the pause as yet again, he waited. Fabric slid over his skin, warmth blooming behind the tracks as Kakashi leaned over him to whisper in his ear. “I’m sorry I panic said it.”

“It’s okay,” Iruka assured. “Not everything has to be perfect.”

Kakashi slumped in relief. “That’s why I do,” he said. “I think you’re the one person I can fuck up with and you still make it okay. You’re okay. I can...learn to be. With you?”

“With me,” Iruka said, smile growing as he buried his face next to Kakashi’s on the pillow. “I’d like that. Learning with you.”

“Loving me?”  
“That too,” Iruka said. “Every day.”

The mask crinkled when Kakashi smiled and made a small, excited noise as he drew Iruka into a hug. “I won’t stop trying,” he said. “I promise. I’ll be as good to you as you are to me. Every day.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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